>intellectual loneliness
i have spent a lot of my life trying to understand the niceties of human interaction, trying to find out what exactly it is that people want and get from each other. every time i thought i had reached any sort of conclusion, i disregarded it as unbelievable and kept searching - only to stumble upon the same answer yet again. every visage of the 'answer' has given me greater understanding of how things work, but i will never be truly convinced.
the only reason i ever searched for this answer in the first place is due to my detachment from it. i think there exists a certain part of me that is fully able to comprehend the nuances of 'conventional' or typical social behaviour, desire and action. i know what to do to ‘get in’ with people, how they tick, what comes of this and what prompts that. i can confidently say this knowledge came from a lot of 'button pressing' and 'experimenting' as i'd say in my younger years. but my lunge toward conformity rid me of any authenticity or 'wholeness' that i had left.
then, my attempts at individualism caved in time and time again, it was not doable - i know the groups i used to run with as a child were not so approving of who i 'really' was. those experiences hopping from person to person, desperately trying to cling to something or someone that would let me stay were disheartening. why expend effort to receive little yield?
to conform or to diverge, any direction of polarisation was alienating and i have never found a balance that had truly made me feel right. again, i don't know if it was me. i grew to work against the grain but never really questioned anything at all. i sort of just accepted the discrepancy as the be-all end-all of my existence.
allowing myself to speak truthfully as egocentric as it may appear - would it now be conceited to say that i do not operate in the typical manner that one does or is 'supposed to'?
is it my analytical approach? my basically anti-emotional mental framework? the annoying desire to mull over certain instances and pick apart their subtleties for an even longer period of time than required? the contradictory trait to ignore irrelevancy and follow through with my sense of 'right' to the detriment of everything else? it would be simple to say that is so, and any good argument says that is. the world we live in functions on the basic understanding of how one feels, and we are required to instinctively tune in on that with little questioning, lest we be questioned ourselves.
my personal understanding is that unlike many who craved the familiarities of 'real life', i had found solace in an intellectual connection, even closer with those who thought the same way i do. a myraid of ideas, concepts, knowledge, innovation - a more... fourth-wall approach to the world. a lack thereof essentially stunted any relationship i had tried to cultivate - i knew it nor i would grow if i did not maintain the substantial level that i require. there would be no being 'authentically myself' if it were to be limited.
if i were to strip away the insights, commentary, technical aspirations and other such subjects, then what exactly is left? i find that people, effectively, talk about nothing. and that is enough for most. conversation is not about what is said but about how it makes one feel - a reflection upon one's personal childhood clans or tribes; all they must feel is that they are accepted - and once they feel this way, it matters not what they discuss. the easiest way to achieve this would be to avoid the risk of contention, perhaps the reason behind perfunctory pleasantries.
simply, people love to talk about themselves.
i am reminded of a concept i had learnt in one of my society and culture classes, the idea of ‘high’ and ‘low’ context cultures. high-context cultures are those who place importance on community, (implicit) emotions, relationship building & stability; whereas low-context cultures value goal-orientedness, objectivity and explicit communication. whilst certain cultures are often placed higher than others in regards to the two ends and western countries are labelled ‘low-context’, i beg to differ, believing every society is varying degrees of high-context - it is the natural way of humans. comparing myself to that, i find myself an extremely low-context person, stunting my ability to relate.
the simple trick is to avoid the taboos. observe what others are doing, and follow along. to make people accept 'you', all you need to do is make them feel good. avoid matters of substance as they generate bad feelings. they wish not for knowledge or information but merely how well you can appease. this is not to say those people are dense or stupid, i mean not to generalise so harshly. it is just the difference between what is needed for a social connection differs markedly - for most, it does not require any semblance of intellectual substance.
my intellect is a concept that is the core of my being, and is something i pride myself on very highly. i cannot fathom the idea of someone truly being interested in me without knowing me or understanding me intellectually - just as i cannot begin to find true attraction in someone i do not ‘know’ on that level. in fact, i believe without my intellectual capabilities, that there is no reason anyone should value me. i feel that some of my best qualities are logic, drive, creativity, intelligence, intuition, etc. hence, i often find myself discreetly astounded that love and praise are still often granted to people who lack all of these traits. nevertheless, i find that the human psychology is much more Pavlovian than anyone cares to admit.
this is primarily why i continue to find myself a leper - i do not touch in with certain concepts required to be apart of modern culture. i focus on the objective and what stands to be gained rather than how something or someone makes me feel. this, i believe, is why i am incapable of finding a sense of societal placement or acceptance, due to the fact that i am unable to feel fulfilment nor acceptance in feeling. a hyper-logical mindset may fare well for monetary or goal-based gain, however, there exists little social development. i don’t know if i expected to be ‘emotionless’ forever, but i am paying my toll now.
no matter what i do to ignore it, recently i have become hyper aware of the crippling realisation that i do not think i will ever be fulfilled. i am overcome with a sense of disconnection and emptiness, something i could describe through the term ‘intellectual loneliness.’ it stems from the sense that there is nothing ‘real’. people or lifestyle or experience, it all appears like it is so out of reach.
to meet me six, twelve months, five years ago - the feeling of loneliness would not even be a mere thought that drifted about within my brain. improbable. impossible. feasibly, a joke. but as i have come to mull over and understand the workings of my brain, the saddest conclusion is that yes. to be someone like me is to feel alone. completely and utterly alone. mentally, intellectually, spiritually. held back not only by society but by oneself. incapable of reaching true potential because of stakes pulling you from both sides, unable to reach a total balance without damaging yourself or someone else. and that is all there is. i do not believe that there is any room for winning. it is a cruel paradox.
there are limited opportunities to connect with anyone that does not feel like a deprivation of my true self and needs. i barely understand what i feel. but i do understand the reality of the matter, and the true, objective fact is that i am alone, and perhaps will continue to be indefinitely as i do not see anything changing. any bout of relief i have ever gotten close to has been fleeting, due to my own incompetence and vehemient refusal to change. i do not believe i will ever find something that operates on the same wavelength that i do, and have it be anything close to persistent ever again.
i have spent a lot of my life trying to understand the niceties of human interaction, trying to find out what exactly it is that people want and get from each other. every time i thought i had reached any sort of conclusion, i disregarded it as unbelievable and kept searching - only to stumble upon the same answer yet again. every visage of the 'answer' has given me greater understanding of how things work, but i will never be truly convinced.
the only reason i ever searched for this answer in the first place is due to my detachment from it. i think there exists a certain part of me that is fully able to comprehend the nuances of 'conventional' or typical social behaviour, desire and action. i know what to do to ‘get in’ with people, how they tick, what comes of this and what prompts that. i can confidently say this knowledge came from a lot of 'button pressing' and 'experimenting' as i'd say in my younger years. but my lunge toward conformity rid me of any authenticity or 'wholeness' that i had left.
then, my attempts at individualism caved in time and time again, it was not doable - i know the groups i used to run with as a child were not so approving of who i 'really' was. those experiences hopping from person to person, desperately trying to cling to something or someone that would let me stay were disheartening. why expend effort to receive little yield?
to conform or to diverge, any direction of polarisation was alienating and i have never found a balance that had truly made me feel right. again, i don't know if it was me. i grew to work against the grain but never really questioned anything at all. i sort of just accepted the discrepancy as the be-all end-all of my existence.
allowing myself to speak truthfully as egocentric as it may appear - would it now be conceited to say that i do not operate in the typical manner that one does or is 'supposed to'?
is it my analytical approach? my basically anti-emotional mental framework? the annoying desire to mull over certain instances and pick apart their subtleties for an even longer period of time than required? the contradictory trait to ignore irrelevancy and follow through with my sense of 'right' to the detriment of everything else? it would be simple to say that is so, and any good argument says that is. the world we live in functions on the basic understanding of how one feels, and we are required to instinctively tune in on that with little questioning, lest we be questioned ourselves.
my personal understanding is that unlike many who craved the familiarities of 'real life', i had found solace in an intellectual connection, even closer with those who thought the same way i do. a myraid of ideas, concepts, knowledge, innovation - a more... fourth-wall approach to the world. a lack thereof essentially stunted any relationship i had tried to cultivate - i knew it nor i would grow if i did not maintain the substantial level that i require. there would be no being 'authentically myself' if it were to be limited.
if i were to strip away the insights, commentary, technical aspirations and other such subjects, then what exactly is left? i find that people, effectively, talk about nothing. and that is enough for most. conversation is not about what is said but about how it makes one feel - a reflection upon one's personal childhood clans or tribes; all they must feel is that they are accepted - and once they feel this way, it matters not what they discuss. the easiest way to achieve this would be to avoid the risk of contention, perhaps the reason behind perfunctory pleasantries.
simply, people love to talk about themselves.
i am reminded of a concept i had learnt in one of my society and culture classes, the idea of ‘high’ and ‘low’ context cultures. high-context cultures are those who place importance on community, (implicit) emotions, relationship building & stability; whereas low-context cultures value goal-orientedness, objectivity and explicit communication. whilst certain cultures are often placed higher than others in regards to the two ends and western countries are labelled ‘low-context’, i beg to differ, believing every society is varying degrees of high-context - it is the natural way of humans. comparing myself to that, i find myself an extremely low-context person, stunting my ability to relate.
the simple trick is to avoid the taboos. observe what others are doing, and follow along. to make people accept 'you', all you need to do is make them feel good. avoid matters of substance as they generate bad feelings. they wish not for knowledge or information but merely how well you can appease. this is not to say those people are dense or stupid, i mean not to generalise so harshly. it is just the difference between what is needed for a social connection differs markedly - for most, it does not require any semblance of intellectual substance.
my intellect is a concept that is the core of my being, and is something i pride myself on very highly. i cannot fathom the idea of someone truly being interested in me without knowing me or understanding me intellectually - just as i cannot begin to find true attraction in someone i do not ‘know’ on that level. in fact, i believe without my intellectual capabilities, that there is no reason anyone should value me. i feel that some of my best qualities are logic, drive, creativity, intelligence, intuition, etc. hence, i often find myself discreetly astounded that love and praise are still often granted to people who lack all of these traits. nevertheless, i find that the human psychology is much more Pavlovian than anyone cares to admit.
this is primarily why i continue to find myself a leper - i do not touch in with certain concepts required to be apart of modern culture. i focus on the objective and what stands to be gained rather than how something or someone makes me feel. this, i believe, is why i am incapable of finding a sense of societal placement or acceptance, due to the fact that i am unable to feel fulfilment nor acceptance in feeling. a hyper-logical mindset may fare well for monetary or goal-based gain, however, there exists little social development. i don’t know if i expected to be ‘emotionless’ forever, but i am paying my toll now.
no matter what i do to ignore it, recently i have become hyper aware of the crippling realisation that i do not think i will ever be fulfilled. i am overcome with a sense of disconnection and emptiness, something i could describe through the term ‘intellectual loneliness.’ it stems from the sense that there is nothing ‘real’. people or lifestyle or experience, it all appears like it is so out of reach.
to meet me six, twelve months, five years ago - the feeling of loneliness would not even be a mere thought that drifted about within my brain. improbable. impossible. feasibly, a joke. but as i have come to mull over and understand the workings of my brain, the saddest conclusion is that yes. to be someone like me is to feel alone. completely and utterly alone. mentally, intellectually, spiritually. held back not only by society but by oneself. incapable of reaching true potential because of stakes pulling you from both sides, unable to reach a total balance without damaging yourself or someone else. and that is all there is. i do not believe that there is any room for winning. it is a cruel paradox.
there are limited opportunities to connect with anyone that does not feel like a deprivation of my true self and needs. i barely understand what i feel. but i do understand the reality of the matter, and the true, objective fact is that i am alone, and perhaps will continue to be indefinitely as i do not see anything changing. any bout of relief i have ever gotten close to has been fleeting, due to my own incompetence and vehemient refusal to change. i do not believe i will ever find something that operates on the same wavelength that i do, and have it be anything close to persistent ever again.