>gamophobia
it has taken me years, but now i understand my conclusions. my hesitation toward attachment is merely a cover for a deep-rooted fear of abandonment. i am often cold in my relationships, preferring to keep a thick wedge between myself and others. that way with a certain gap, once the relationship eventually keels over, there wouldn’t be much to lose. to me, having that ability to determine how much you share with others in a relationship feels good- it is both power and control. yet there is no sense of power or control in vulnerability, funnily the key part of relationship building as far as i’m aware.
vulnerability is frightening. letting someone in allows them to occupy a space in your brain and in your heart that you would reserve for yourself. worse especially when you love them. it rewires your brain quite differently so that there is someone that you want to care for, to accomodate, to share yourself with; something you had never learnt how to do before.
you will feel newfound priority and obligation. never having the ability to confide in anyone healthily or have anyone confide in you - for your entire life - does not give you much emotional shelving space to work with. it is like trying to sit an egg in a slot that simply doesn’t have room, all the while having really oily hands and trying not to drop it. make no mistake, commitment is the hardest struggle.
allowing oneself to feel the happiness that comes with a healthy relationship when you have so much self improvement to catch up on in order to be better for them (meanwhile they’re years far ahead of you) is nothing short of painful. you want to care for this person and give them the fulfilment that you deeply know they deserve, but you cannot. just because of who you are. and just because you are scared.
you also end up experiencing a whole myriad of new, pervasive feelings that have never existed before this point in time; where you become increasingly self aware to the point of irrational, child-like petulance.
however, it’s not all bad. the best thing i have come to understand throughout all that though is what it means to feel love and attachment. real connection and companionship stems from someone being where i am - in the more abstract sense that one is able to understand and be within the same intellectual or perceptual headspace rather than merely the surface or physical. it is a sense of comfort in the same way it would be to have someone lie next to you when you are otherwise all alone. the familiarity is warmth.
you have a constant, a backup, a similar mind.
someone you can trust to observe and handle your concerns in a similar yet perhaps more sophisticated way than you do. someone who is able to point you to a new perspective you’d like to see when you’ve been looking the same way all your life. the two of you being infinitely more dynamic as two minds on the same agenda rather than one mind, or even two on completely polar ends.
even in the times when the two of you are doing completely different things in silence, it is one of the purest forms of connection as you are both longing for the same ambience yet each other's company is merely enough.
i also believe a true connection provides consistency. a continual, persistent form of mutual understanding and a ‘place’. it is a safety net and a guardrail in every aspect of your life, whether or not that’s something you understand during the time you find yourself experiencing one. a stabiliser when you find yourself deviating from rationality. deep down i believe that’s all i ever really wanted, despite not being something at the forefront of my mind for years. to know that the bond you cultivate may never be broken. to know that there is indissoluble trust.
…but then when you begin to part ways after establishing this (as it always is), be it even the most minor degree of physical or emotional, the newfound gap creates risk. and risk creates fear, because there no longer exists that sense of commitment or mutual obligation. knowing that what you held may be found astray; and an absence to take its place. the idea that the place where i have dug, buried and invested myself into the life of another (and vice versa) could be so easily plucked out. the dissipation of the anchor which made sure i stayed where i was much comfortably planted.
when you briefly dip your toes in the water you had been avoiding for so long, you start to realise what you’ve been missing. and then once you know, you realise you can never go back.
if you think that putting up another wall in place of one that you already saw break is meant to fix your problems. you are so goddamn wrong. do not make my mistake. it’s one i’ll likely live with for the rest of my life.
it has taken me years, but now i understand my conclusions. my hesitation toward attachment is merely a cover for a deep-rooted fear of abandonment. i am often cold in my relationships, preferring to keep a thick wedge between myself and others. that way with a certain gap, once the relationship eventually keels over, there wouldn’t be much to lose. to me, having that ability to determine how much you share with others in a relationship feels good- it is both power and control. yet there is no sense of power or control in vulnerability, funnily the key part of relationship building as far as i’m aware.
vulnerability is frightening. letting someone in allows them to occupy a space in your brain and in your heart that you would reserve for yourself. worse especially when you love them. it rewires your brain quite differently so that there is someone that you want to care for, to accomodate, to share yourself with; something you had never learnt how to do before.
you will feel newfound priority and obligation. never having the ability to confide in anyone healthily or have anyone confide in you - for your entire life - does not give you much emotional shelving space to work with. it is like trying to sit an egg in a slot that simply doesn’t have room, all the while having really oily hands and trying not to drop it. make no mistake, commitment is the hardest struggle.
allowing oneself to feel the happiness that comes with a healthy relationship when you have so much self improvement to catch up on in order to be better for them (meanwhile they’re years far ahead of you) is nothing short of painful. you want to care for this person and give them the fulfilment that you deeply know they deserve, but you cannot. just because of who you are. and just because you are scared.
you also end up experiencing a whole myriad of new, pervasive feelings that have never existed before this point in time; where you become increasingly self aware to the point of irrational, child-like petulance.
however, it’s not all bad. the best thing i have come to understand throughout all that though is what it means to feel love and attachment. real connection and companionship stems from someone being where i am - in the more abstract sense that one is able to understand and be within the same intellectual or perceptual headspace rather than merely the surface or physical. it is a sense of comfort in the same way it would be to have someone lie next to you when you are otherwise all alone. the familiarity is warmth.
you have a constant, a backup, a similar mind.
someone you can trust to observe and handle your concerns in a similar yet perhaps more sophisticated way than you do. someone who is able to point you to a new perspective you’d like to see when you’ve been looking the same way all your life. the two of you being infinitely more dynamic as two minds on the same agenda rather than one mind, or even two on completely polar ends.
even in the times when the two of you are doing completely different things in silence, it is one of the purest forms of connection as you are both longing for the same ambience yet each other's company is merely enough.
i also believe a true connection provides consistency. a continual, persistent form of mutual understanding and a ‘place’. it is a safety net and a guardrail in every aspect of your life, whether or not that’s something you understand during the time you find yourself experiencing one. a stabiliser when you find yourself deviating from rationality. deep down i believe that’s all i ever really wanted, despite not being something at the forefront of my mind for years. to know that the bond you cultivate may never be broken. to know that there is indissoluble trust.
…but then when you begin to part ways after establishing this (as it always is), be it even the most minor degree of physical or emotional, the newfound gap creates risk. and risk creates fear, because there no longer exists that sense of commitment or mutual obligation. knowing that what you held may be found astray; and an absence to take its place. the idea that the place where i have dug, buried and invested myself into the life of another (and vice versa) could be so easily plucked out. the dissipation of the anchor which made sure i stayed where i was much comfortably planted.
when you briefly dip your toes in the water you had been avoiding for so long, you start to realise what you’ve been missing. and then once you know, you realise you can never go back.
if you think that putting up another wall in place of one that you already saw break is meant to fix your problems. you are so goddamn wrong. do not make my mistake. it’s one i’ll likely live with for the rest of my life.