thoughts
something not often talked about is the barrier that seemingly exists between the self and other people. that almost impermeable barrier, where you try to communicate and express yourself to some capacity - and fail. throughout the years, throughout your childhood, your teens, and most likely into your 20’s and so on. that boundary that had you forsake social interaction and communication of a variety of types. that barrier that makes life difficult on a consistent basis when it requires you to communicate with the external and with other people. that barrier looks and is shaped in different ways, but is something that you just really claw against. you resign yourself to failure over and over, only in your desperation to try once more, to have disappointment set in for the umpteenth time.
it might be with friends, or family members, where you attempt to explain what it is that you're experiencing or your thoughts on certain matters, what it is that you value and prioritise, the things that concern you and the things that drive your sense of empathy and your sense of frustration, sadness, loneliness; a variety of normal human emotions that are fueled and shaped by what would be not considered normal human motivators and rewards. but it is what it is. you try so hard to explain these things to people only to fall on deaf ears.
they either look at you like you're making little to no sense, perhaps you're crazy. other times they look at you with pity, thinking this person must be ill or doing something or another to themselves thats causing them too much stress thus they become erratic or irrational in their beliefs or in their perceived experiences. but if you're any like me, you have a strong differentiation between whats internal and what’s external because you're reminded of it all the time, every day. when you wake up, when you go to sleep. when you interact, especially. you're reminded of that barrier, you're reminded of the reality of your situation. which is: they cannot hear me, and i cannot hear them. and funnily enough i’m trying to hear them and i’m trying to listen but no one’s trying to listen to me, so why should i keep trying? what purpose does that serve? what is this futile endeavour?
that is the feeling. that is the difficulty. and it goes on and on and on like this for months or years at a time until eventually you get to the point where you decide, no more. i am not going to communicate any longer with this world. it has nothing to offer me, nor does it want to compromise in any capacity with what i am perceiving and what i am living. it is constantly telling me that i am at odds with what is reality, when reality itself is very apparent to me. and that is that i cannot join it, often times in the way you wish for me to join it. i cannot perceive it in the way you wish for me to perceive it. i cannot think of my existence in the way you think of yours.
for those that have gone further and saw a therapist or such, even in the comfort of a room that is supposed to be designed to understand you and listen to you, where you're able to express yourself freely so that perhaps somebody will finally understand what it is you're trying to say; that boundary exists. family couldn’t understand, friends couldn't understand. it’s hard to make friends when that boundary exists. no one understood so finally this professional will, maybe.
this is just what i see, this is what i experience - i can see your world, i just don’t understand why you place value, why you prioritise these things that i find to be strange, illogical, irrational, unreasonable, etc. it is not some kind of magical thinking that’s occurring here, it’s well thought out reasoning that is placed against a backdrop of a world that is telling you no, that thinking is not the right thinking. that is harmful thinking. that is problematic thinking. often times i reflect; okay, i can understand myself to some extent. sure, maybe it’s negativistic thinking. might be toxic or cause some kind of harm, yes, i won’t deny that. but, other aspects of your thinking such as what makes you feel good, what makes you feel calm, the things you need to feel any kind of fulfilled, idiosyncratic as it’s often called or not, that is who you are. to be constantly told that those very things that you have attached your emotions to are the incorrect things to do that with, or are the incorrect emotions to have regarding that, well. that’s gonna do some damage. that’s gonna cause some harm to your ability to build a sense of self. within your sense of self, as it’s building, you are being told to take apart, to dismantle, as it is being inappropriately build to their standards.
now i can’t really blame them. when you grow up or you exist in a world that your cognitive experience or functions is alike those around you, reality checking things of that nature will become like almost an echo chamber for the neurotypical person. because that is all that is available, and that is all they will come across. any divergences they will dismiss, or never really see or acknowledge. often times, not even intentionally or actively, ignore. that just seems to be an almost natural state to not perceive such things or ever have a need to. and so thus, you are left screaming into the void, into the nothing. there’s always this emptiness inside and outside.
that void that is often described is merely symbolic of this vacuum of reality, and cognitive based assumptions amongst the society, against people like myself and others. which leads to the thinking that we are fundamentally different or defective, we are damaged things perhaps irreparable, when we are not. we are merely made of different materials and build for different purpose. that seems too difficult of a concept to grasp for most people. now luckily some strides have been made. all forms of idiosyncratic thinking are merely a culmination of a variety of factors in that persons childhood somehow created these aberrant forms of thinking. however this separation will never be made conventionally clear or understood in any capacity. this boundary will always exist, regardless of the amount of therapy, or effort, that is placed upon it. despite the psychological community, or family or friends or partners that could attempt to help.
what is creating this boundary? is it merely the withdrawing of the self due to the level of neglect or abuse or isolation a person endures as a child? perhaps the odd or hyper rational thinking. the priority of the abstract or the conceptual. is it the escape from what is ‘required’? are we merely avoiding those things because we do not wish to face the discomfort, the lack of safety that comes with social interaction and the abundance of arbitrary rules that come with it? though, rules that most definitely make sense why they exist when your motivations and inclinations and ambition is set forward by specific types of rewards or influences.
when those things do not apply, when those things do not connect or applicable - you should not question the person who they are not applicable to, about why they are wrong. the question that should be asked is ‘what applies to you?’ ‘what do you need?’ ‘what do you see?’ ‘why do you feel you see it?’ that is what needs to be asked. not ‘what is wrong with you?’ or what is incongruent with what is the acceptable parameters. it is a far different question that needs to be asked.
something not often talked about is the barrier that seemingly exists between the self and other people. that almost impermeable barrier, where you try to communicate and express yourself to some capacity - and fail. throughout the years, throughout your childhood, your teens, and most likely into your 20’s and so on. that boundary that had you forsake social interaction and communication of a variety of types. that barrier that makes life difficult on a consistent basis when it requires you to communicate with the external and with other people. that barrier looks and is shaped in different ways, but is something that you just really claw against. you resign yourself to failure over and over, only in your desperation to try once more, to have disappointment set in for the umpteenth time.
it might be with friends, or family members, where you attempt to explain what it is that you're experiencing or your thoughts on certain matters, what it is that you value and prioritise, the things that concern you and the things that drive your sense of empathy and your sense of frustration, sadness, loneliness; a variety of normal human emotions that are fueled and shaped by what would be not considered normal human motivators and rewards. but it is what it is. you try so hard to explain these things to people only to fall on deaf ears.
they either look at you like you're making little to no sense, perhaps you're crazy. other times they look at you with pity, thinking this person must be ill or doing something or another to themselves thats causing them too much stress thus they become erratic or irrational in their beliefs or in their perceived experiences. but if you're any like me, you have a strong differentiation between whats internal and what’s external because you're reminded of it all the time, every day. when you wake up, when you go to sleep. when you interact, especially. you're reminded of that barrier, you're reminded of the reality of your situation. which is: they cannot hear me, and i cannot hear them. and funnily enough i’m trying to hear them and i’m trying to listen but no one’s trying to listen to me, so why should i keep trying? what purpose does that serve? what is this futile endeavour?
that is the feeling. that is the difficulty. and it goes on and on and on like this for months or years at a time until eventually you get to the point where you decide, no more. i am not going to communicate any longer with this world. it has nothing to offer me, nor does it want to compromise in any capacity with what i am perceiving and what i am living. it is constantly telling me that i am at odds with what is reality, when reality itself is very apparent to me. and that is that i cannot join it, often times in the way you wish for me to join it. i cannot perceive it in the way you wish for me to perceive it. i cannot think of my existence in the way you think of yours.
for those that have gone further and saw a therapist or such, even in the comfort of a room that is supposed to be designed to understand you and listen to you, where you're able to express yourself freely so that perhaps somebody will finally understand what it is you're trying to say; that boundary exists. family couldn’t understand, friends couldn't understand. it’s hard to make friends when that boundary exists. no one understood so finally this professional will, maybe.
this is just what i see, this is what i experience - i can see your world, i just don’t understand why you place value, why you prioritise these things that i find to be strange, illogical, irrational, unreasonable, etc. it is not some kind of magical thinking that’s occurring here, it’s well thought out reasoning that is placed against a backdrop of a world that is telling you no, that thinking is not the right thinking. that is harmful thinking. that is problematic thinking. often times i reflect; okay, i can understand myself to some extent. sure, maybe it’s negativistic thinking. might be toxic or cause some kind of harm, yes, i won’t deny that. but, other aspects of your thinking such as what makes you feel good, what makes you feel calm, the things you need to feel any kind of fulfilled, idiosyncratic as it’s often called or not, that is who you are. to be constantly told that those very things that you have attached your emotions to are the incorrect things to do that with, or are the incorrect emotions to have regarding that, well. that’s gonna do some damage. that’s gonna cause some harm to your ability to build a sense of self. within your sense of self, as it’s building, you are being told to take apart, to dismantle, as it is being inappropriately build to their standards.
now i can’t really blame them. when you grow up or you exist in a world that your cognitive experience or functions is alike those around you, reality checking things of that nature will become like almost an echo chamber for the neurotypical person. because that is all that is available, and that is all they will come across. any divergences they will dismiss, or never really see or acknowledge. often times, not even intentionally or actively, ignore. that just seems to be an almost natural state to not perceive such things or ever have a need to. and so thus, you are left screaming into the void, into the nothing. there’s always this emptiness inside and outside.
that void that is often described is merely symbolic of this vacuum of reality, and cognitive based assumptions amongst the society, against people like myself and others. which leads to the thinking that we are fundamentally different or defective, we are damaged things perhaps irreparable, when we are not. we are merely made of different materials and build for different purpose. that seems too difficult of a concept to grasp for most people. now luckily some strides have been made. all forms of idiosyncratic thinking are merely a culmination of a variety of factors in that persons childhood somehow created these aberrant forms of thinking. however this separation will never be made conventionally clear or understood in any capacity. this boundary will always exist, regardless of the amount of therapy, or effort, that is placed upon it. despite the psychological community, or family or friends or partners that could attempt to help.
what is creating this boundary? is it merely the withdrawing of the self due to the level of neglect or abuse or isolation a person endures as a child? perhaps the odd or hyper rational thinking. the priority of the abstract or the conceptual. is it the escape from what is ‘required’? are we merely avoiding those things because we do not wish to face the discomfort, the lack of safety that comes with social interaction and the abundance of arbitrary rules that come with it? though, rules that most definitely make sense why they exist when your motivations and inclinations and ambition is set forward by specific types of rewards or influences.
when those things do not apply, when those things do not connect or applicable - you should not question the person who they are not applicable to, about why they are wrong. the question that should be asked is ‘what applies to you?’ ‘what do you need?’ ‘what do you see?’ ‘why do you feel you see it?’ that is what needs to be asked. not ‘what is wrong with you?’ or what is incongruent with what is the acceptable parameters. it is a far different question that needs to be asked.